Lifts, Courtesy etc.

I do not use steps, keeping aside the health benefits of climbing up and down those plethora of steps, these benefits are as applicable to me as morals would be to most politicians, I prefer those little glass and metal enclosures which move up and down at a call of a button, we call them lifts, no?

Observing people in lifts is a great stress buster; it takes you into newer worlds with a greater insight into psychology, if it ever existed.

Yours truly considers himself to be pretty good at observation and has come up with a good classification of the lift users under which the above mentioned could be easily elaborated upon.

· The callers, classification on how people call the lifts.
· The people who board, classification on how people board the lift
· The people who alight,

The callers:

Among other boring types, the most interesting fall into two categories:

The go getters: These people are those who are not too comfortable with the idea of things not in their control. Let’s see the following conversation near a lift:

She: blah blah blah blah (continuously pressing the lift button).
He: (after a long hiatus) darling! Why are we pressing the call button so many times? my PM told me its enough if we press the button twice or thrice.
She: Oh! You dumbo! (Speaking as she presses the button continuously) you don’t know? The more the number of times you press the button the faster the lift comes down.
He: Ooooh! I never knew this.

She has got her ex-boyfriends in the lifts logic design team of OTIS, Mitsubishi and the likes and they apparently discuss, in their annual meeting they have with her, how they are thriving to increase the acceleration of the lifts with each increment in the call count.

The just do it types: These types believe that whatever they do is right.

She: blah blah blah (as she presses both up and down call button for the lift)
He: Hey! Why did you press both the buttons? Isn’t it enough to press just the down arrow button, as we are going down?
She: Are you nuts? The second button is given as back up, if the lift doesn’t come for the first button, then we have to press the second button; up and down my foot, huh!

That’s it; another name has been added to the world’s most enlightened souls’ list. This guy is lucky, isn’t he?

In the meanwhile they board the lift that is going in the opposite direction; her logic was simple- everything that goes has to come back.


The people who board:
The Hollywood type: This type is mostly inspired by Neo, the matrix man (Keanu Reaves) and believes that lifts are just another element of nature that would act according to their whimsy. When this type sees the lift at a considerable distance and when they decide to board it, all they do is just march towards the lift sternly and mechanically with a defiant palm lifted into the air.

This type would succeed unless there is a similar kind already in the lift, who on seeing the first person would press the “door close” button and smiling at the thought of the person crashing at the lift door.

The Indian fast bowler type: This type starts running towards the lift as and when they see it open, the distance just doesn’t matter, they just run with all the conviction of a determined soul, as the people waiting in the lift speculate about their chances of making it, they either run out of their steam and settle in the nearest sofa or change their mind and go towards the staircase.

The people who alight:
Before talking about this type, now that you have reached this far, I presume that you are either not too interested in life or you are too interested in what I write, in either way, I presume that you would not go away to read other intelligent posts on the forum as I quote Aristotle from his work on political philosophy

“If there be some one person whose virtue is so pre-eminent that the virtues of all the rest admit of no comparison with his, he or they can be no longer regarded as part of a state; for justice will not be done to the superior. Such a one may truly be deemed a God among men; and for men of pre-eminent virtue there is no law—they are themselves a law. Any (person) would be ridiculous who attempted to make laws for them.”

Aristotle in the above message is referring to super heroes, the icons who are above all the law and are considered demigods, a good examples for this is our security, there are at least a dozen such super heroes in our security, these do-gooders, with all due respect for keeping us in safe hands, just need a small reason to scowl at, you forget you tie, they scowl, you try to use the umbrella till the bus, they scowl after all they are super heroes and their managers have told them that smiling is a crime and courtesy is a sin.

I have met one such super hero in the last seat of the bus yesterday(this time it’s an employee); the super hero was engrossed in the music his i-pod is beaming out, with his unbuttoned shirt showing his jewelry and a few things that are beyond description for this point, he just couldn’t wait till his chance to alight the bus, he has a word for his rescue “excuse me” which he used with generosity as he made his way through the people whom he think are going to XYZ phase 3

I have later realized that this guy is the Dark-Knight of [please insert your company name here], who is in a hurry to encounter Joker who was troubling [your company's employees], asking them why they were serious.

“Excuse me” gentleman, are you reading this?

Back to the topic, it is interesting to observe the super hero category in the lifts, especially when the lift is packed, they do not have enough time to wait for their chance, their aim is simple, be the first one get out of the lift as the others are waiting to go into underground using lift.

Pappu CAN dance.........

This is your's truly, quintessential at parties. No I am not always inclined at 90 degrees backwards on the dance floor, but yes contradictory to the popular song which shouts out that Pappu cannot dance, yours truly is an ardent dancer and scares the hell out of any one within the radius of his hands.
I will have to write a bigger write up on this. Let me find some time :)

Birthday.....

As a child, I was always amused by anniversaries. It used to excite me to see the passion with which people celebrate anniversaries, but for some strange reason my inclination for these celebrations turned volatile and almost evaporated, but like everything in nature even this had a cycle, I donno if I have turned childish or its just that I have understood the passion behind these anniversaries, but I am really glad, yes I mean really, to share with you all that *irrationally rational* is a one year old today.

I wish I mature myself as a good writer and hone my skills and this blog reaches the place which I think it should, wish my blog a very happy birthday!!

News Digest.....

Disclaimer: All the news in the following post is fake and is taken directly from kaltak. Anyone feeling that the news is alluding at him/her is free to introspect, the author however, is not responsible for any cerebral breakdown resulting from the futile attempts.

HR executive resigns:

In a bizarre and first of its kind incident, a HR executive of a software company has resigned on moral grounds. On 22nd of July 2008, Manavi Mahopadhyay, a senior HR executive has submitted her resignation to her boss, the reasons she cited was the unruly behaviour of the freshers she has recruited so far.

"It is so disheartening to see hundreds of mails complaining against these youngsters breaking the queues, hedging the spoons, romancing in the last seat of the bus, I just can't imagine,that these are the same kids on whom we spent lakhs and lakhs of rupees for training on inter-personal effectiveness" said a sobbing Manavi who later completely broke down.

Our sources, who refused to be named, said that the final nail in the coffin was hit when a senior employee, who was already frustrated for a lot of other things (which includes insufficient leg space in the school bus in which he commutes to office daily) was given a cold look by a guy for sitting beside his girlfriend, unfortunately that was the only available seat. The couple later proceeded to switch on to their basic instincts and romanced the rest of their journey to glory. The senior employee then wrote a lengthy mail to his HR with choicest of words, Manavi who is sensitive and sincere at work, chose to take the blame and resigned citing moral grounds. The senior employee refused to comment.

We have strong proof that the couple was given a pink slip, but were immediately selected by MTV for their upcoming reality show on dating.

India hot destination for Russian defence scientists:

Look out when you cross the roads in India next time, if you are lucky enough you might as well be asked to sign a contract for participating in Russian Defence Research. Russian Defence Research Organization has signed a pact with Indian government allowing them to study the brain patterns of Indian pedestrians and motorbike riders and to map the same in the anti missile technology in their latest combat jets and submarines.

"I have come to India last year on a holiday and was amazed to see the impeccable accuracy with which the Indian pedestrian cross the road without the help of a zebra crossing and I do not have the words to describe the Indian mo bike riders, they are too good for words" said Mr. Purikoshov Bhajishova. He also said that there is a high scope for break through in the said anti missile technology if we can carefully study and understand the brain patterns.

Management graduate proposes a new theory

Sharad Dikhaoo a management freak from a high profile college has proposed a new theory, he named it De-show casing theory.
"I used to find it very difficult to show case, essentially because there is nothing to show case in me, but I cannot sit quiet you know? This is a very competitive world and you need to be on your toes for you to survive and hence I came out with De-show casing theory, its simple, the statement is- if you cannot show case yourself, de-show case others, its nothing new, I am inspired from the childhood riddle of making a line shorter without erasing it- by drawing a line longer than that. I just used the converse and it worked" said a beaming Sharad who recently tested the theory on a *low life* and was able to successfully syphon off the *low life's* prospective girl friend by using the theory.

The HRD ministry who was pretty impressed with Sharad's work has promised to nominate his name for igNoble prize under show casing category, however under the caveat that the Prize committee agrees that de-showcasing can be considered as one form of show casing.

On the other hand, the low life on whom the theory was tested was so depressed for being deprived of a girl friend (his 109th attempt) that he complained to Ganeka Mandhi against the theory. Ganeka is currently agitating in front of the HRD's office for justice. Our sources said that the *low life* was present at the agitation and using all his charms to flirt with Ganeka and impress her. Our blog wishes him all the best.

News Digest.....

No more tail Lamps...

The confederation of automobile manufacturers (CAM) yesterday in Delhi disclosed that they are not going to use tail lamps and indicators any more for automobiles in India. CAM spokes person speaking exclusively to this blog, told that this idea of removing the tail lamps for the automobiles is around for a while, "Indians are smart, they get to know when the vehicle ahead of them stops and change their driving path accordingly, they hardly require the tail lamps and indicators." Saying that the cost benefit will be passed on to the customers, he said that the new range of vehicles without the tail lamps and indicators will be available from this December.

In totally unrelated news, Indian central government has asked all its state governments to remove all the signal posts in all the road junctions in India. The iron collected from all the posts will be used to build hospitals. There will be no more paint wasted on zebra crossings and road divider markers, they said that the amount saved will be used to compensate the fiscal deficit.

Our sources say that this was expected in these tough days of economic turmoil where we cannot waste money on things that are not put to use, there was an extensive cost benefit analyses carried out by PWC and cost benefit was found to be humongous.

A new reality show:
In this age where every day a new reality show comes out, a recent survey conducted showed that though reality shows excite people, their monotonous nature is boring people to death. So there is a need for a new reality show with fresh look and hence "Kaun banega reality show ki baap" was launched. "We saw a need to have a reality show on reality show, and we stepped in to fill the void" said CEO Mr. Chato.

The program features excerpts from various reality shows and judges will be calling cliched names for the show that is featured, apart from looking at each other and nodding occasionally at each snippet. There will also be opinions from audience on the shows and on the opinion of the judges as well, all the audience watching the show will be given eggs and tomatoes (subject to costs and availability).

"This is so exciting, throwing eggs at someone who shouted at my favorite performer in my favorite singing show is just awesome, I am loving it!" says an excited Pakao Sharma, nibbling at her burger and watching the all new reality show.

MNS strikes again:
The MNS activists yesterday did a lightning attack on PMC. They claim that Kothrud (which in Telugu means new road) may mislead many people to think that there are roads in Kothrud and also it is against the culture to have a name that sounds non-regional.

"Its good to see MNS so concerned about people's troubles, this will definitely help curbing the rising global crude prices and soaring inflation", beamed a Puneite who requested anonymity.

Gyan.....

Its not the words, but their interpretation that matters.....

Oh fuck!

Been there, Done that and I am the best......

Disclaimer: All the characters in the blog are work of fiction and any resemblance to any one living or dead is due to probability and Murphy playing together.

Been there....

'Been there' is an Engineer. The adverb for the adjective engineer could not be finalized because he was not pretty sure what kind of engineer he was, so he thought he was better off being just an Engineer.

Out of the million peculiar qualities which distinguishes him from the lot, the considerable ones are, his ability to confuse the shit out of every person in even the simplest of the situations and his trademark shake of his head to show disagreement, which starts much before a person in the conversation could even say something.

A few minutes of discussion with him gives you an impression that there is nothing possible in this world or you are the most useless person ever born on the face of the earth, both are too serious a wound. And what adds salt to this wound is his immortal penchant to re-phrase whatever you just said in passive voice. Well, if you love it short and sweet he is a pain in the neck.

There is little wonder that he is not married and his professional growth graph is as straight as an arrow. And this made the matters worse, he revamped his marketing strategy , he began marketing himself extensively. He is here, he is there and he is everywhere. And he is not shy to say this, each and every meeting he attends is full of fundas of he being here and he being there; rejecting everything he hears and repeating what ever the other person says with a few more grammatical errors and claiming it to be his idea. Little should I say that this did not help, and what is worth mentioning is, that he is "Been there".

Done that.
'Done that' is a 9-5 girl. Except for a few odd occasions like a fire drill or the first rain of the season where people do not bother about who is around them, "Done that" tries her best to stick to her seat and pretend that she has been working, by fanatically typing the keyboard.

When she is not doing any of the below mentioned activities:
Drinking coffee.
Reading news papers.
Chat.
Forward mails.
Pretending to attend teleconference by plugging on her headphone, but actually listening to music,

she does her best to attend the plethora of meetings, which are never seem to be at scarcity; and when she is bored of all the above, she works.

For her, meetings are analogical to spa houses where the presenter is the therapist who does his/her level best to induce sleep by relieving stress. And in the rare occasion, when she is asked about her opinion, she speaks like a programmed answering machine, repeating the same thing in every meeting- what she has done till now.

Her all the more rare official talk is more of an activity report of what she has done (read- what she wants others to think that she has done) between the current and the last meeting.
Well, my readers are smart enough to infer that, even "Done that" is not married and her career growth has a slope similar to that of "Been that's".

The fateful day.

They say that someone somewhere is made for you, I am sure you do not want to read about how crappy I feel about this saying and how I think that if some one somewhere is born for us, why shouldn’t we be born with a small chit with name of our partner and the address in that?

Now that, you want to know what the fateful day is about, let me introduce to you the back drop .

It was Saturday and the location was some temple. Among the other general things, which are common to any temple, what was noticeable was a serious discussion between two beggars.

B1: Why? I mean why should this happen to just me.
B2: What happened?

B1: My career is not progressing, I beg a lot but I dont get anything. But you, you don’t seem to be begging at all, but people just throw alms at you so generously, why-o-why? Why is this world so mean.
B2: Ok let me tell you a trade secret. You are a good beggar, but you miss the guile of the job. Any job in this world requires diversifying. You cannot expect to grow, doing the same thing at same place with same set of people. See, what I do- I go to different temples on different days and pretend a different kind of a disability on each day and when I do that, I don’t need to even beg, people just contribute on their own. Learn to do this, and then you will become the best beggar in this world.

As the second beggar continued his gyan, puffing a beedi and sipping over a cup of tea, a couple, who were incognizant of each other's presence and who eavesdropped at the beggars' conversation, started towards each other with their mouths agape and eyes twinkling. Little should I say that they are hell inspired by the beggar's gyan, and like anything else in this world, the inspiration didn't come free, it has come along with LOVE.

Yes they fell in love with each other, love at first sight.

And the couple was none other than, "Been there" and "Done that". Their first meeting was scintillating and they couldn’t wait anymore to compliment each other and they are married within a week of their first meeting.

Five years from now:

Ramu, after a long hectic day at the office, decided to feed himself with some masala news. His job is simple, all he has to do is to switch on the TV set and click a few random numbers for the TV channel, and the chances that he ends up in a masala news channel are almost placed at 1 in 3.

This time he was first time lucky. The first channel he started off with is itself a masala news channel. There was already a scrolling that read "Breaking News: A four year old boy finds out that 1+1=2 ". I don’t want to discuss about what Ramu thought after seeing the news, it’s in our blood, and it will be as good as writing a blog about how to breathe or how to walk.

So, let me just briefly tell you the history behind this news.

Well, after "Been there" and "Done that" were married, they complimented each other so well that they learnt each other's traits. And hence, they progressed faster than light in their careers, thanks to their innate talent and ofcourse, the beggar's gyan.

Now, the kid in the news is none other than the son of "Been there" and "Done that", "I am the best". He inherited all the great qualities of his parents and at very young age mastered the art of "show casing". And the result- In one of the math classes, after writing 1+1=2, he was able to hype it so much that it became national news. Of course, there is an enormous amount of support from media fraternity, but even then, "I am the best" has become a hero at a very young age.

Moral of the story: Been there + Done that = I am the best.
--AKP

P.S: In case you don not know the author properly, please be informed that he is obsessed with satire and irony. If you have assumed that the author is supporting the ideology that one should suceed by show casing, then please think again.

P.P.S: The author is not too confident about his satirical abilities.